Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

By Nathan Schmidt An investigative report by Stagnation over the last six months has revealed economic ruination in Fairfield University’s black market for dry-erase markers. With students moving online for some or all of their classes, the once-thriving illicit trade for the Expo brand markers has become the latest casualty of the COVID-19 pandemic. The … Continue reading Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

Professor Gets Away With Heist, Robbing the University of $100,000

By Mike Wishart Ladies and gentlemen. We as a collective community have been duped. One hundred thousand dollars were stolen right from under our noses. How was this done? How could somebody have taken such a large sum of money from our beloved university without anybody noticing?  I know what you may be thinking. Were … Continue reading Professor Gets Away With Heist, Robbing the University of $100,000

DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag. “Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands.  Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the … Continue reading DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

By Frederick Mercurium RecPlex- Officer Charles E. Cheez made an alarming disturbance as he proceeded to strip down in front of a medical professional. According to Cheez, he believed that the scheduled appointment was for an on-campus physical examination. Unfortunately for the other patients who were getting their COVID-19 tests, he was in plain view … Continue reading Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

Mysterious Bandit Replaces All Whiteboard Markers with Sharpies

By Nathan Schmidt Our first warning sign was when Professor Joely Kale tried to erase the whiteboard after her 8:00 AM session of English 11. The eraser succeeded only in slightly smudging her analysis of the human condition in popular culture. All evidence shows that the nameless troublemaker known only as the Poacher has preyed … Continue reading Mysterious Bandit Replaces All Whiteboard Markers with Sharpies

Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage

By Mike Wishart The Department of Public Safety and local law enforcement agencies have found the culprit of a string of recent break-ins to the Fairfield University Art Museum, and it is exactly who you would think it is.  Shortly after midnight on Monday morning, DPS officers were staking out around Bellarmine Hall in an … Continue reading Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage

English Professor Conflicted Over Graffiti That Follows MLA Format 

By Mike Wishart The Department of Public Safety is searching for clues as to who is responsible for the vandalism of an English professor’s car in the parking lot behind Donnarumma Hall. But while DPS continues its manhunt for the perpetrator, the victim of the crime is not so sure that the vandal deserves any … Continue reading English Professor Conflicted Over Graffiti That Follows MLA Format 

Mysterious Bandit Leaves Tully Plate in Trash

By Nathan Schmidt The hunt is on, as Fairfield University reels from an unknown mystery bandit who left a Tully plate in the trash. The plate was found in a meeting room within the Egan School of Nursing and Health Studies, still bearing the label of the Tully Dining Hall on its face. At this … Continue reading Mysterious Bandit Leaves Tully Plate in Trash

Pizzagate Redux: DPS Operation Busts Levee for Operating as Brothel

By Pete Peterson It turns out pizza wasn’t the only thing people were paying for at the Levee.  On Saturday night, DPS and FBI raided the pizza place around 12:23am and took seven people into custody for operating a brothel.  Only a few major injuries were reported. Those taken into custody include two owners/operators, the … Continue reading Pizzagate Redux: DPS Operation Busts Levee for Operating as Brothel

The Mariposa Manifesto

By Michael Atkins Kelley Center - At 9:00 am of last Wednesday, a package was secured by Public Safety after someone reported it lying under a tree. When proper authorities arrived at the season, they found what appeared to be a manifesto typewritten on looseleaf paper, bound together by weeds. What officials found was disturbing … Continue reading The Mariposa Manifesto