Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage

By Mike Wishart

The Department of Public Safety and local law enforcement agencies have found the culprit of a string of recent break-ins to the Fairfield University Art Museum, and it is exactly who you would think it is. 

Shortly after midnight on Monday morning, DPS officers were staking out around Bellarmine Hall in an attempt to catch a man that had on multiple occasions broken into the Art Museum and disturbed the works of art inside. A man approached the building wearing a black quarter zip sweater and gray jean jacket. He was promptly apprehended, at which point officers determined that the man was Academy Award winner Nicolas Cage. 

While detained by law enforcement officials, Cage was found to be carrying a pair of 3D IMAX glasses, a Bowie knife, a replica of the Washington Monument, and a blowtorch. When questioned as to why he had all of these items, Cage explained that the IMAX glasses would help him to see a secret haiku on the back of all of the paintings written in eagle urine. He further explained that the knife would be used to cut the paintings into paper snowflakes, the only way the haiku could be seen. The Washington Monument replica would be used to short the circuit breaker inside to disrupt the surveillance cameras. Mr. Cage couldn’t seem to answer why he was in possession of a blowtorch. 

Authorities have said that when they inquired as to why Cage was breaking into the museum to create eagle-urine-haiku-snowflakes, he responded that the haiku would reveal the location of the next clue that would ultimately lead to a stash of treasure that includes the actual original Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe, D.B. Cooper’s ransom money, and one of Michael Jackson’s noses. 

The police saw white powder on Cage’s nose and believed him to be under the influence of cocaine, but after testing it was proven to be confectioner’s sugar, which Cage snorts recreationally. Authorities are struggling to determine if Cage’s actions are genuine or if he is just method acting for a highly anticipated conclusion to a National Treasure trilogy. Jerry Bruckheimer was contacted about whether a sequel is in the works that would explain Cage’s actions, but we received no comment. 

Whether Nicolas Cage was really searching for treasure or if he is just preparing for another turn as Benjamin Franklin Gates is unknown, but I can say I would be equally excited at the prospect of either.

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