By Nathan Schmidt Last week, chaos descended on Fairfield University when the last FUSA senate meeting of the semester ended in literal anarchy. The assembled senators, who had come together one more time to determine the starting conditions of the next semester, quickly realized that this was their one chance to truly cut loose. And … Continue reading FUSA Senators Flip Over Tables, Declare Anarchy
Month: April 2019
Clam Jam Leads to Crabs Outbreak
By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University has become a case study in epidemiology after last weekend’s annual Clam Jam festival at Penfield Beach. Of the students who attended the night of music, dancing, drinking, public littering, and sand in their socks, more than half of them have since been afflicted with a severe case of genital … Continue reading Clam Jam Leads to Crabs Outbreak
Whales Spotted in Fairfield
By Pete Peterson On Sunday, there was an alarming number of reports of whales spotted on campus. Caked in salmon pants, checkered button downs, and navy fleece vests, Fairfield’s class of 2023 arrived on campus for Accepted Students Day. The students, wearing exclusively Vineyard Vines and Sperry boat shoes, flocked throughout the quad in an … Continue reading Whales Spotted in Fairfield
Woman Discovers Magical Bingo Chip, Makes Tully Food Great
By Michael Atkins Barone Campus Center - Theresa Junobug recently created reality to bend to her will after discovering a bingo chip. The chip was discovered in a tape of The Beach Boys, which Junobug thought she could redeem for some Inspire credit hours. She instead received the omnipresent powers of the Bingo God, who … Continue reading Woman Discovers Magical Bingo Chip, Makes Tully Food Great
Fairfield Reveals Plans to Knock Down Canisius, Build Third Business School
By Nathan Schmidt This week, campus officials proudly announced that over the summer, Canisius Hall will be demolished and replaced with a third School of Business building. The venerable building, which has stood as the center of the College of Arts & Sciences classes since its construction in the 1950s, is far behind code and … Continue reading Fairfield Reveals Plans to Knock Down Canisius, Build Third Business School
Florida Man Invades Fairfield, Says He’s Lucas’ Brother
By Michael Atkins Loyola Hall - Residents of Loyola found themselves caught in a crossfire of liquor and Nerf™ darts by a perpetrator under the guise of Tip Top Tim Tom. Once unmasked, Florida resident Etti “Jumpin’ Jack” Backslash rambled for three hours how he was contracted by someone in Bridgeport called “Mariposa” and how … Continue reading Florida Man Invades Fairfield, Says He’s Lucas’ Brother
Statue of St. Bellarmine Terrifyingly Comes to Life, Proclaims Judgment Day
By Alexis Shepard This Lent season the good boys and girls at Fairfield University were in for a surprise as the Statue of St. Bellarmine near the library stopped clutching his chest at the sight of the students’ average grade for the semester and came to life. Without warning, he hopped off his pedestal and … Continue reading Statue of St. Bellarmine Terrifyingly Comes to Life, Proclaims Judgment Day
Fairfield Students Throw House Party at “To Catch a Predator” Safe House
By Pete Peterson On Friday night, devastation struck the town of Fairfield. While throwing a banging party at an undisclosed address, Fairfield University students were excited to see more cars arrive at their event. The drivers of those cars were just as excited to be arriving there too, as, in the words of one John … Continue reading Fairfield Students Throw House Party at “To Catch a Predator” Safe House
Fairfield Prepares for 5th STAGiving Day with Venison Dinner
By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, Fairfield University geared up the student body for its fifth annual STAGiving Day with a delicious roast venison dinner in the Tully. The Student STAGiving Dinner was held in preparation for the real STAGiving Day next week, a fledgling tradition where the Fairfield community is encouraged to give back to the … Continue reading Fairfield Prepares for 5th STAGiving Day with Venison Dinner
The Mariposa Manifesto
By Michael Atkins Kelley Center - At 9:00 am of last Wednesday, a package was secured by Public Safety after someone reported it lying under a tree. When proper authorities arrived at the season, they found what appeared to be a manifesto typewritten on looseleaf paper, bound together by weeds. What officials found was disturbing … Continue reading The Mariposa Manifesto
Stagnation 