By Michael Atkins
Loyola Hall – Residents of Loyola found themselves caught in a crossfire of liquor and Nerf™ darts by a perpetrator under the guise of Tip Top Tim Tom. Once unmasked, Florida resident Etti “Jumpin’ Jack” Backslash rambled for three hours how he was contracted by someone in Bridgeport called “Mariposa” and how he was the “great barracuda of the atom”. Naturally, he was detained and sent for further questioning.
Residents had also reported how Backslash had not come alone. He had been accompanied by some figure that “felt like an old friend, but not really” as some witnesses said to authorities. Upon further investigation, DPS discovered a ragged Lucas scrounging around Bellarmine Hall. Flailing about the area with a group of stags, DPS had to tackle the deranged Lucas. Upon doing so, they not only found that this was not Fairfield University’s beloved mascot, but instead an elite team of turkeys pretending to be Lucas. Authorities failed to detain any of them due to their evasive “T-Formation” technique.
Backslash was claiming that the Lucas he believed to be the real stag was in fact his brother. Reincarnated into multiple forms, Backslash was actually the newest incarnation of his brother, his previous form was a radioactive barracuda who could fly. After a epic battle with his brother, trapped in the form of a stag, he sought to seek out his brother once more. As a human, he believed he would reach out to his brother through their two favorite pastimes: drinking and Nerf™ shootouts. Lucas himself came onto the scene, only to snap his brother out of his existence and disappear into an officer’s holster.
Authorities are only unsure of Backslash’s story is true or if he underestimated Lucas’s sense of mercy.