Statue of St. Bellarmine Terrifyingly Comes to Life, Proclaims Judgment Day

By Alexis Shepard

This Lent season the good boys and girls at Fairfield University were in for a surprise as the Statue of St. Bellarmine near the library stopped clutching his chest at the sight of the students’ average grade for the semester and came to life. Without warning, he hopped off his pedestal and started walking up to Bellarmine Hall, the highest point on campus.

On the way, the statue quickly attracted a crowd, but he was bothered neither by the people in front of him, nor the traffic flying to the DSB and disappointingly driving away from it after getting a bad grade. St. Bellarmine eventually reached the back lawn overlooking Long Island Sound in all its splendid, smelly glory and held his arms out wide, quieting the crowd before him. The back of the mansion loomed overhead like the scariest graduation ceremony ever, ready to tell the students where they would really end up post-graduation.

The voice of St. Bellarmine had a resounding and awe-inspiring voice that made even the babies in the crowd shudder and cry in wonder (there were some tour guides walking nearby). He spoke at length about what he has seen as a statue at Fairfield University, and how the world has changed since his death. The overheard conversations, being nearly or completely run into while sledding down the hill, and people making fun of his pose that he didn’t decide.

Then he had to take a moment to go at length about how much he doesn’t like it when people stand next to him and make stupid poses for a picture. He doesn’t seem to like pictures much at all, really. He pointed to me and said that I never take any pictures from a good angle with him (I was trying my best for my Photography class, sorry I didn’t seem to get his good side).

And this is when he said that Judgment Day was on Easter and that really harshed the mellow of everyone there. The crowd was hoping for some solace but they hated him because he told the truth.

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