By Pete Peterson
On Friday night, devastation struck the town of Fairfield. While throwing a banging party at an undisclosed address, Fairfield University students were excited to see more cars arrive at their event. The drivers of those cars were just as excited to be arriving there too, as, in the words of one John Tanner, who asked to remain anonymous, they were “About to get some! Wait, you’re not a cop are you?”
One Fairfield partygoer remained under heavy confusion for the entire night. “I kept asking these guys if they were grad students or someone’s parents or something,” said senior Charles Dowdy. “They just kept asking all of us how old we were. I was hella confused but they did bring free za and condoms, so that was like cool.” Junior Kelly Johnson chimed in that “these old guys just kept asking if someone named Chris Hansen isn here.”
Due to the lack of research pedophiles do, they come to Fairfield in a constant stream with confidence in their game.
“Oh yeah I love To Catch a Predator!” said one Mr. George Worthington, when asked if he knew the only show on television that is focused solely on tricking pedophiles to come to Fairfield to be arrested. “We all know the safehouse is here, but like, what are the odds that I end up at that house?”
Lucas the Stag ended up glued to the ceiling and Mr. Worthington was arrested the following day after being featured on the season finale of To Catch a Predator. No doubt it was a night to remember for all that attended.
Stagnation 