Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE CAMPUS CENTER - University officials are left dumbfounded by the school's recent effort to aid the quarantine efforts. Their recipient, the Epstein Humanitarian Group, claimed that they had no need for canned goods and surgical masks. Upon investigating the group’s suggestion, it was discovered that the students’ efforts were mixed … Continue reading Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium During a lecture concerning the politics behind the Watergate scandal, Professor Bertrum Jarvis accidentally received a heavy blow to his head after slipping on a lecture flashcard. After receiving medical attention, Jarvis woke up giving a speech concerning how he was not a criminal, sporting an odd manner of speaking. As … Continue reading Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

2020 Democratic Primary Election to be decided by Hunger Games-Style Event

By Pete Peterson Is Bernie willing to die for Medicare For All? He’ll have to be if he wants to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. After the final Democratic Debate on Tuesday night, the Democratic National Convention has decided to reshape how it will choose their nominee for the presidential election in 2020. Gone are … Continue reading 2020 Democratic Primary Election to be decided by Hunger Games-Style Event

FUSA Senators Flip Over Tables, Declare Anarchy

By Nathan Schmidt Last week, chaos descended on Fairfield University when the last FUSA senate meeting of the semester ended in literal anarchy. The assembled senators, who had come together one more time to determine the starting conditions of the next semester, quickly realized that this was their one chance to truly cut loose. And … Continue reading FUSA Senators Flip Over Tables, Declare Anarchy

Campus Trump Supporters Seek To Ban Transfer Students

By Spencer Irwin In an age where people are becoming increasingly hostile towards outsiders, the pristine campus of Fairfield University is no exception. A handful of demonstrators gathered around the stag statue on an otherwise beautiful Monday afternoon to push their anti-transfer student agenda. The air was so thick with irrational rage you could cut … Continue reading Campus Trump Supporters Seek To Ban Transfer Students

FUSA Shuts Down Government

By Nathan Schmidt This week, a disastrous series of budget talks in the FUSA senate led to a complete shutdown of the student government. The shutdown came after a major partisan conflict between the Committee on Academic Support & Retention and the Committee on Diversity & Inclusion over the next budget plan. Following numerous failed … Continue reading FUSA Shuts Down Government

Kavanaugh Fails Title IX Training

By Nathan Schmidt This week, an independent investigation revealed that Brett Kavanaugh received a failing score on his mandatory Title IX training. The training procedure, designed principally to increase awareness of the nature of sexual harassment and assault, turned out to entirely befuddle the Yale graduate and current judge, who had never heard of these … Continue reading Kavanaugh Fails Title IX Training