FUSA Sustainability Initiative Plans to Remove Giant Pile of Burning Trash from Campus

By Nathan Schmidt On March 2nd, the FUSA Environmental Sustainability Meeting led to a wild success as students resolved to get rid of the giant pile of burning trash on Fairfield campus. The meeting, held over Zoom by concerned members of the student body, allowed many students to raise valid concerns about the university’s environmental … Continue reading FUSA Sustainability Initiative Plans to Remove Giant Pile of Burning Trash from Campus

First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President

By Rosemary Harper 2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods '24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example … Continue reading First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President

Confused Students Stand in Looping Pathway for Two Hours

By Nathan Schmidt Today, in a freak accident of public safety design, over one hundred students unwittingly spent two hours standing in a marked pathway that looped back on itself. The pathway, marked with cordons and blue arrows like the others on campus, went on a complete clockwise circuit around the outside of the Barone … Continue reading Confused Students Stand in Looping Pathway for Two Hours

Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE CAMPUS CENTER - University officials are left dumbfounded by the school's recent effort to aid the quarantine efforts. Their recipient, the Epstein Humanitarian Group, claimed that they had no need for canned goods and surgical masks. Upon investigating the group’s suggestion, it was discovered that the students’ efforts were mixed … Continue reading Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

Student Half Crushed by Vending Machine, Now Suffers from FADS (Flat Ass Depression Syndrome) 

By Rosemary Harper Two weeks ago, while trying to purchase a packet of Cheez-Its from the BCC vending machine, Mark Stuarting ‘21 met found himself in a tragic accident that resulted in the bottom half of his body being flattened.   While attempting to purchase his cheesy snack, much to his frustration, the packet became stuck … Continue reading Student Half Crushed by Vending Machine, Now Suffers from FADS (Flat Ass Depression Syndrome) 

“Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Removed After Landmark #MeToo Verdict

By Nathan Schmidt The time has come for students to rejoice! For more than a year, the Barone Campus Center has stood in the shadow of the ominous marble statue of Pope Francis, an icon of the Talking Statue project and a terror to students across the university. But this week, just one day after … Continue reading “Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Removed After Landmark #MeToo Verdict

Fairfield @ Night Announces New Parkour Challenge Around Campus 

By Rosemary Harper F@N has announced a new and exciting initiative in which students will race against the clock and each other in their new Active Nites initiative. The planned course takes competitors through the Barone Campus Center starting at the Tully stairs and ending in the Lower Level BCC, with the event planned for … Continue reading Fairfield @ Night Announces New Parkour Challenge Around Campus 

Crisis Hits Tully After Widespread Dry Mouth Caused by CBD Oil/Olive Oil Mix-Up

By Rosemary Harper Last Wednesday a senior chowing down in the Tully unknowingly sparked a widespread panic to all olive oil consumers. Stuart Gregstein ‘20  had brought his own bottle of CBD infused oil from home to sprinkle on his grilled cheese sandwich and popcorn chicken for “that extra punch of flavor only a good … Continue reading Crisis Hits Tully After Widespread Dry Mouth Caused by CBD Oil/Olive Oil Mix-Up

DPS Searching For Unlicensed Man Charging $30 For Fake Flu Shots

By Mike Wishart In an effort to keep the student population healthy as we approach the winter months, Fairfield University has offered flu shots in the Barone Campus Center on select afternoons throughout the fall, including this past Tuesday. But this time, things took a sudden turn for the worse. Being the forward thinking institution this … Continue reading DPS Searching For Unlicensed Man Charging $30 For Fake Flu Shots

Riots Break Out After Dunkin’ Runs Out of Coffee

By Nathan Schmidt  Calamity struck Fairfield University yesterday morning when all three campus locations of Dunkin’ ran out of coffee at the same time. The shortage first set in around 9:20 AM, when students were just getting out of bed and off to their classes. By 11:00, word had spread of the coffee failure, and … Continue reading Riots Break Out After Dunkin’ Runs Out of Coffee