By Mike Wishart
In an effort to keep the student population healthy as we approach the winter months, Fairfield University has offered flu shots in the Barone Campus Center on select afternoons throughout the fall, including this past Tuesday. But this time, things took a sudden turn for the worse. Being the forward thinking institution this is, the flu shot clinic quickly ran out of flu shots. Once the nurses administering the shots had packed up and left before they were scheduled to, a suspect that the Department of Public Safety is still working to identify set up shop to charge students for counterfeit flu shots.
The mystery faux-nurse administered at least 125 shots to about 112 students, charging them $30 per shot. Students apparently weren’t suspicious of the man’s credentials until they all experienced complete loss of feeling and movement in their arms and/or legs that were injected with the shots, and reported the issue to health services. DPS has said that the numbing effect is due to the fact that the “flu shots” were actually just a mixture of Purell hand sanitizer and NyQuil in a syringe.
“I guess looking back there were some red flags about the guy,” said a student named Richard Shanahan, who asked to remain anonymous, “I did notice that the Fairfield Nurse scrubs he was wearing still had a tag on them,” he added with his arm hanging numbly by his side.
“I mean it was definitely weird that he used duct tape as band aids and he gave me a shot in my arm and leg, but I mean the guy had a stethoscope so he seemed pretty legit,” Alex ’20 confessed.
“It was odd that he was wearing gloves you’d see someone wear for doing yard work. But I really started to get suspicious of the guy when his moustache fell off for the fourth time,” Amanda ’23 contributed.
The search for the suspect continues, and DPS has several clues to help students look out for him. The man stands at around 6’5” and weighs about 190 pounds. He has clearly dyed hair that is dark black styled in a mullet, and he may or may not be wearing the fake moustache he was wearing while giving the shots. Other distinctive attributes included an eye patch and a tattoo on his neck that says “Suck It” in the Comic Sans font.
DPS is also currently working to pull fingerprints off of the sign the suspect set up in front of his operation that says “Flew Shots: 30 bucks.” If you have any information regarding the suspect, DPS asks that you share it with them immediately, and if any of your limbs are still numb from the Purell-NyQuil cocktail, you may be entitled to financial compensation.
Stagnation 