Riots Break Out After Dunkin’ Runs Out of Coffee

By Nathan Schmidt 

Calamity struck Fairfield University yesterday morning when all three campus locations of Dunkin’ ran out of coffee at the same time. The shortage first set in around 9:20 AM, when students were just getting out of bed and off to their classes. By 11:00, word had spread of the coffee failure, and students had formed up into a ferociously zombified riot of sleepy crankiness.

Morning classes were canceled and DPS was sent in with emergency instant coffee packets to quell the disturbance, but the damage was already done. The Dunkin’ location at the Barone Campus Center was completely overrun by students desperate for their caffeine fix. Meanwhile, the location at the Dolan School of Business was subject to a disappointingly brief scuffle where the students quickly realized they would have to self-serve any coffee they found. At the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, Dunkin’ employees threw all of the coffee in one direction, then ran in the other, leaving the station deserted.

Responses from the student body have been sporadic and mostly unintelligible due to their sleepiness. One freshman, when questioned by Stagnation reporters why he didn’t try getting some coffee from the Tully, responded, “We only get two meals a day. You know that, right?”

In related news, Fairfield officials are preparing to announce a new Dunkin’ outlet located directly above the existing one in the School of Business.

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