“Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium EGAN CHAPEL - Dr. Ivan Ron Butterfly of the Student Health Center swatted away numerous members of the Vatican arriving in Fairfield University after Yohelma Hewahn ‘22 was reported to have the fetus of Jesus Christ reborn. The news of this revelation came after a conference with parents over the university’s … Continue reading “Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student

Coronacation: Professors Rejoice As Online Classes Let Them Finally Teach In Bathrobes

By Nathan Schmidt This week, even as deathly quiet settled over Fairfield University campus, the faculty celebrated the best part of all-online classes: the ability to teach from their homes while wearing bathrobes. The online classes, which come as part of a nationwide effort of social distancing in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic, have … Continue reading Coronacation: Professors Rejoice As Online Classes Let Them Finally Teach In Bathrobes

Tully Steps Up Water Conservation Efforts By Not Even Pretending to Wash Dishes

By Mike Wishart With the cries for increased conservation efforts becoming so loud that business leaders can no longer pretend they can’t hear them, many businesses and institutions are begrudgingly doing the bare minimum to reduce their impact on the environment. Fairfield University is proud to call itself one such institution, and campus administration has … Continue reading Tully Steps Up Water Conservation Efforts By Not Even Pretending to Wash Dishes

Op-Ed: I’m Sorry, But That Cupcake Is Not 60 Calories

By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University, like all Jesuit universities, bears a duty for truth and clarity. And that duty extends into the Tully. It’s bad enough to be given bright green steamed broccoli that turns out to be frozen and thawed nearly to mush. There is absolutely no excuse for labeling a Samoa cupcake as … Continue reading Op-Ed: I’m Sorry, But That Cupcake Is Not 60 Calories

Tuition Now Includes Human Blood

By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced a new financial initiative entitled “Red Stag,” where students are required to pay a large volume of human blood to the school as part of their tuition. The initiative, inspired by mounting deficits of spiritual suffering at the university, will allow Fairfield students to understand the … Continue reading Tuition Now Includes Human Blood

University to Begin Selling Fragrance to Students to Mask the Smell of Fear

By Mike Wishart The university that just can’t seem to stop trying to take your money is back with a new product. Starting next month, the Fairfield University bookstore will begin selling a fragrance designed to mask the smell of fear. The buzz surrounding the release of the new product indicates that this could be … Continue reading University to Begin Selling Fragrance to Students to Mask the Smell of Fear

Professors Cancel Class Until Students Stop Coughing

By Rosemary Harper Good news for Fairfield students this week: Nearly all undergraduate professors have decided to cancel classes, as they are fed up with students coughing during their lectures. As we are in the midst of cold and flu season, several students have contracted one or more diseases, many of which include the uncontrollable … Continue reading Professors Cancel Class Until Students Stop Coughing

Scientists Discover Cure to 95% of Illnesses on College Campuses: “Wash Your Fucking Hands”

By Pete Peterson Wednesday- In a groundbreaking new study that experts have said may be more important than when the cure for polio was discovered, scientists have discovered a cure to over 95% of all illnesses on college campuses.  The cure is still somewhat in the developmental stage, but the United States Surgeon General Mack … Continue reading Scientists Discover Cure to 95% of Illnesses on College Campuses: “Wash Your Fucking Hands”

DPS Searching For Unlicensed Man Charging $30 For Fake Flu Shots

By Mike Wishart In an effort to keep the student population healthy as we approach the winter months, Fairfield University has offered flu shots in the Barone Campus Center on select afternoons throughout the fall, including this past Tuesday. But this time, things took a sudden turn for the worse. Being the forward thinking institution this … Continue reading DPS Searching For Unlicensed Man Charging $30 For Fake Flu Shots

Student With STD Claims He Has Right to Park in Handicap Spot

By Mike Wishart This past week, the itching flames of controversy have engulfed the Fairfield campus. The issue has arisen from junior Roger Wagner, who claims that his case of chlamydia qualifies him for use of the handicap parking spots on campus. “Listen, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time, you … Continue reading Student With STD Claims He Has Right to Park in Handicap Spot