Tully Steps Up Water Conservation Efforts By Not Even Pretending to Wash Dishes

By Mike Wishart

With the cries for increased conservation efforts becoming so loud that business leaders can no longer pretend they can’t hear them, many businesses and institutions are begrudgingly doing the bare minimum to reduce their impact on the environment. Fairfield University is proud to call itself one such institution, and campus administration has announced a laundry list of actions they are going to undertake in the near future. 

The list of proposed changes includes changing the university’s colors to green instead of red, only watering the lawns every other time it rains as opposed to every time it rains, and requiring professors to accept digital copies of assignments as opposed to hard paper copies (unless of course it like, really hurts the professor’s eyes to be looking at a computer for so long). But the biggest change that will be enacted is that the Tully Dining Hall will conserve water by no longer washing used dishes. Before this new initiative, the Tully would pretend to wash the dishes by slightly wetting them and leaving large amounts of visible remnants of food on the dishes as well as countless invisible germs. But now, in order to be more green, they will entirely stop going through the motions.

Tully officials are excited about their new initiative to help conserve water on campus, and are also happy that the new approach has the potential to boost the immune systems of the students by exposing them to any number of germs and diseases. They have also said that anyone that does not want to use the unwashed plates and silverware are more than welcome to use single-use disposable styrofoam plates and plastic silverware.

We reached out to the Tully to see if they had reconsidered their new policy considering the coronavirus outbreak. Their response was that food is the best form of medicine, and that you should help yourself to some unripened fruit that has been soaking in a metal container full of water for several hours — or perhaps, some unseasoned and undercooked chicken breast — to fuel up to fight the virus. For more on how Fairfield University is single-handedly saving the planet, stay tuned to Stagnation.

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