Doe Single-Handedly Takes On The FUSA Council; Wins By Landslide

Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium

During the FUSA Presidential Election, a third-party candidate was quickly entered into the polls. Known only as Doe, many assumed this to be a surprise anonymous candidate. By some miracle, Doe won, only for many students to be confused by the arrival of an actual doe when brought in. Wearing a new designer dress, the doe let out a loud scream before walking away from the crowds.

“I honestly have no idea about how this happened,” said political major student Ahmed Hassir. “The results honestly make no sense. Who actually votes for a third-party candidate right at the end of an election?” 

The doe has instated new policies on the campus such as promoting natural foods like tall grass, and the prohibiting of vehicles on campus. “Like, I honestly like the new food choices,” said communications major student Alexis Maestras. “It’s super healthy and I’ve lost 70 pounds!” Maestras passed out about seven steps after this conversation as DPS arrived on the scene.

Students find themselves finding the state of the university to be a massive improvement. “I can’t lie, this university’s finally getting it right around here,” claimed transfer student Gregory Hamburglar.

Truly, this is a momentous day in the university’s history, with the new rule even instating the ban of pesticides on grass. Doe made no further comment, other than that Epstein was still alive in her heart.

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