By Mike Wishart
The university that just can’t seem to stop trying to take your money is back with a new product. Starting next month, the Fairfield University bookstore will begin selling a fragrance designed to mask the smell of fear. The buzz surrounding the release of the new product indicates that this could be a hot seller on campus because of its multiple uses.
“This is the perfect product for the Fairfield student,” said a representative for the new product. “Think about it. Turkeys, professors, bouncers, attractive people. They can all smell your fear, and this is the product to stop that from happening.”
The fragrance will reportedly be called Averting Extreme Energy Body Spray, or AXE Body Spray for short, and it couldn’t be coming at a better time. Attacks by turkeys on students are at an all-time high, with no signs of slowing down. Just last week a freshman student walked between a male and a female turkey during mating season and met the wrath of the entire flock. He suffered several contusions to the arms and torso, and was also robbed of $50.
“Those birds go against everything that is good and holy in this world,” a sophomore told me in a low voice while looking furtively from side to side. “I can guarantee that I’m gonna be in line for that AXE Body Spray.”
But turkeys are not the only reason that students are lining up for this product. Fairfield University’s AXE Body Spray is looking to clean up on selling to first year students that are desperate to enter parties at the townhouses. The spokespeople for the new fragrance guarantee that you’ll be able to walk in the front door of a townhouse without the owner’s least favorite friend even thinking of stopping you from entering. Another proposed use for the new body spray is for when you have a mandatory meeting with your English professor regarding the progress being made on your term paper. While wearing Fairfield AXE Body Spray, your professor won’t be able to tell that you haven’t even looked at what the essay prompt is.
As of now, the fear-masking fragrance will only be available in the scent “Fear Itself” which is created by mixing holy water, free RA-provided pizza, and fresh cut grass. But they are hoping to come out with a wider range of fear-masking scents. For further updates on Fairfield AXE Body Spray, don’t be afraid to stay up to date with Stagnation for more developments.