Professors Cancel Class Until Students Stop Coughing

By Rosemary Harper

Good news for Fairfield students this week: Nearly all undergraduate professors have decided to cancel classes, as they are fed up with students coughing during their lectures. As we are in the midst of cold and flu season, several students have contracted one or more diseases, many of which include the uncontrollable coughing urge as a highly common symptom. Until further notice, all classes that require physical attendance will be suspended.

On Thursday, undergraduate students received by surprise the notice (shown below) in their inboxes — much to their confusion and delight. 

“Due to your incessant, unrelenting coughing and sneezing we have decided to cancel all classes to ensure that professors are able to keep their sanity. Please be advised that Final Examinations will continue to take place at the scheduled times no matter how many classes are cancelled. This is payback, you sick dweebs.”  

A statement provided by the Dean of Students accompanying the announcement confirmed that until cough rates begin to significantly decrease, classes will be suspended. It is rumored that this pickle began after one of the Economics professors (rumored to be professor Einsteib) requested medical leave on the grounds of deteriorating mental health. It is also rumored that the coughing is beginning to haunt not only their professional life but all of their personal time as well.

Although administrative staff are very much against this decision, it was revealed that unless they agreed to the mass cancellation many professors were plotting to start lacing the school’s water supply with extra strength cough syrup. In an interview with admin staff they said “We aren’t happy about this. However, we’re renovating Alumni Hall next semester and that’s going to cost an arm and a leg. This puts us at much less risk for lawsuits than the watery cough syrup thing.”

It is not known for how long this ordeal will go on. However we can confirm that while professors take their revenge campus is about to get wild. 

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