New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart

By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University's Department of Public Safety has recently posted a job opening for students to drive the cart that shuttles students to and from the old Dolan School of Business, where those with positive cases are quarantined for a 14-day period. All students are eligible to apply for this position, regardless of … Continue reading New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart

First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President

By Rosemary Harper 2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods '24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example … Continue reading First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President

University Announces “Ultra-Flexible” Course Model for Spring 2021

By Rosemary Harper This fall, Fairfield U has had to adapt its curriculum to the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result, we’ve had confusing new terms thrown at us this year like “hybrid,” “online,” and “the mute button,” which are much more difficult to understand than things from the peachy, virus-free days. As it has become … Continue reading University Announces “Ultra-Flexible” Course Model for Spring 2021

Study Reveals Turkey’s Beards are Reason for Their Brazen Nature

By Rosemary Harper Turkeys are a common sight around the Fairfield U campus. They are fearless and they don’t give a shit. You have probably wondered where this brazen nature of theirs comes from, as we at Stagnation have asked time and time again. Well folks, strap in and hold on to your hats because … Continue reading Study Reveals Turkey’s Beards are Reason for Their Brazen Nature

Curfew Moved to 12 Noon

By Rosemary Harper Like all other higher education institutions around the country, Fairfield U has been battling the COVID 19 pandemic. This semester, new and returning students were sensibly slapped with a wide range of COVID-safe guidelines to follow, ranging from mandatory mask wearing and social distancing to limiting the number of students allowed in … Continue reading Curfew Moved to 12 Noon

Coronacation: Turkeys Rejoice As They Successfully Conquer Campus Without Opposition

By Rosemary Harper Alas, the day we have feared for so many months. Due to the statewide lockdown and subsequent school closure, the turkeys — those little shits that torment us on a daily basis — have taken over Fairfield University. And they did it with ease. Once the week after spring break began, they … Continue reading Coronacation: Turkeys Rejoice As They Successfully Conquer Campus Without Opposition

Student Half Crushed by Vending Machine, Now Suffers from FADS (Flat Ass Depression Syndrome) 

By Rosemary Harper Two weeks ago, while trying to purchase a packet of Cheez-Its from the BCC vending machine, Mark Stuarting ‘21 met found himself in a tragic accident that resulted in the bottom half of his body being flattened.   While attempting to purchase his cheesy snack, much to his frustration, the packet became stuck … Continue reading Student Half Crushed by Vending Machine, Now Suffers from FADS (Flat Ass Depression Syndrome) 

Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus

Who would’ve thought that there was once a time when Regis, Gonzaga and Loyola not only didn’t suck but also were considered the hot shit hangout spots for students. Far off were the days of old sticky carpets and floors, being outdone by buildings with air con and the occasional backflow in their communal bathrooms.  … Continue reading Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus

University Outsources Management of Record-Breaking Snowfall to Students

By Rosemary Harper Last Tuesday, Fairfield encountered a massive blizzard that buried the entire northeastern region in snow for three days. Everything in town was shut down, thousands of homes lost power and road conditions were impossible. Winter storm Hades (named after the ancient Greek god of hell) was determined to be the worst storm … Continue reading University Outsources Management of Record-Breaking Snowfall to Students

Professors Cancel Class Until Students Stop Coughing

By Rosemary Harper Good news for Fairfield students this week: Nearly all undergraduate professors have decided to cancel classes, as they are fed up with students coughing during their lectures. As we are in the midst of cold and flu season, several students have contracted one or more diseases, many of which include the uncontrollable … Continue reading Professors Cancel Class Until Students Stop Coughing