By Rosemary Harper
This week, Fairfield U’s Counseling and Psychological Services reported a sharp increase in the number of calls received during the campus wide power outage last month on February 12th. Within the report, it was noted that the main source of the increase was from students unsure of how to deal with their feelings while they had no internet connection to distract themselves. According to our anonymous informant, there was extensive debate around whether or not to report the data. Ultimately, it was released for the “wellbeing of the student body.”
Hundreds of students called in between approximately 12:30 and 11:00 PM EST, reporting “feelings of anxiety, heavy sadness and extreme saltiness.” When asked why they felt that way, over 98% of students said: “idk.” A probe was launched into the 500% increase in call volume. It was determined that the wifi outage was the cause as students had to look inward and face their feelings for the first time in “a while.” It was also found that students low on cellphone data, or who did not have unlimited data were under more stress and trauma.
Department chair Jackie Amygdala believes this incident will bring fresh ideas to psychology students and professors for future studies on mental wellbeing. “This could be great for the Psychology department,” she said. “We’ve been running out of ideas for a few decades now.” Until we know what that means, be sure to avoid psychology classes, you naive guinea pigs.
In the meantime, the University will be researching new training programs for students to “lessen their mental dependence and well being on cute animal TikToks.”
Stagnation 