Fairfield University Spends Vaccine Budget on New Vehicles for DPS

By Pete Peterson

The town of Fairfield has always been considered a rough area.  The Gold Coast got its name from the Wild Wild West atmosphere, plagued with violence and crime.  Fairfield University is often considered the epicenter of danger, and the crime-fighters of the “Juarez of Connecticut” are finally punching back against the bad guys.  The University recently announced that it will spend its vaccine budget on new militarized Ford Explorers for the Department of Public Safety (DPS) to combat the growing crime rate on North Benson Road.  

The announcement was sent out over an email to students and parents, citing underage drinking, marijuana use, “and fun” as greater threats to the public than COVID-19.  DPS, modeled after a combination of ICE and the Paul Blart: Mall Cop sequel, explained the need for new vehicles during a pandemic.  A spokesperson for the essential military branch, who eerily resembles Jon Voight with a mustache, stated that “DPS drives thousands of miles around this 0.31-square-mile campus.  We need these vehicles to make sure students are safe from encounters with outside agitators like COVID-19.”  

Included in the new fleet of crime-preventing vehicles is an undercover DPS car, which as everyone knows is essential for entrapping students.  The all-white Ford Explorer blends into its surroundings perfectly with a bulky flood light and side view mirror protruding near the driver’s window.  It is said to be like a shark in the jungle.

“Yeah see we decided to go with the cars because they’re 100% effective.  Those shots don’t even hit 96%,” said the President of Safety, adding, “plus — I don’t want these kids catching autism.”  Catching students breaking rules they did not know existed has never been easier, just as stopping the spread of COVID-19 has never been more effective.

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