By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
GONZAGA – Dr. Eugene Trevors of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention came to the university to discuss a mutated strain of the COVID-19 virus present on campus. As he explained cautiously what to do, first year student Cody Zachary stood up and claimed otherwise.
“You’re obviously lying,” claimed Zachary, “Just like this disease that the University obviously made up to crack down on parties.”
Zachary demanded that Trevors stop making up lies “just like the normie government” and walked out. Several students followed after Zachary as the rest followed Trevors listened closely to his advice. Trevors advised that everyone wear the new Lucas The Stag™ hazmat suits as well as continuing to maintain social distancing of at least 12 inches.
After two weeks, the campus received an enormous amount of outbreaks and subsequent government involvement. The massive surge in this strain was discovered due to a Loyola party started by Zachary while the attendees shouted “Screw the Virus.” Zachary was found detained as a “Staggler” in the Holiday Inn and likely be expelled in a matter of weeks.
Until next time, keep your hazmat suits locked and your friends far from biting range!