Campus Dunkin’ Requires You To Dance If You Order “The Charli”

By Marvin Irwin

If you’re looking to get a cold brew with three pumps of caramel swirl and whole milk from any campus Dunkin’ location, it’s gonna cost you a little extra. 

That’s because starting this week, every campus Dunkin’ will require that you do a TikTok dance when you order “The Charli.” The Charli is the signature Dunkin’ drink named after Charli D’Amelio, Connecticut native and one of the biggest TikTok stars on Earth. We reached out to the manager of Dunkin’ locations of Connecticut to simply ask, why? 

We got a response, clearly written by an unpaid intern who was instructed to “sound hip,” which said, “NGL, we snapped on this one, we just want a lit way to spread the word about the Charli. It’s the dancing for me. Things were said. Points were made. All facts no printer.” 

Further investigation revealed more details about the unconventional marketing strategy and what actually happens when ordering. First, the customer orders the Charli.  Then the Dunkin’ workers, who didn’t have enough on their plate already, need to inform you that to get the Charli you have to do a TikTok dance. They will play music for you to do it. Upon completion of the dance you can get your drink. 

Luckily for you, for your dance you can choose from a preselected list of ten different song/dance combos posted where the menu should be. Additionally, your drink can be free if you show the Dunkin’ worker proof that you posted a TikTok of the dance you just did, but only if it has gotten at least 50 likes.

To ensure that both customers and employees follow protocol, Charli D’Amelio’s father, Marc D’Amelio, will be posted at the Barone Dunkin’ location for the next week to “make sure things are up to snuff.” Mr. D’Amelio has refused to say that he won’t be carrying a firearm. 

The unconventional purchasing procedure has been met with confusion from the campus community. Professor Pahptart, who asked to remain anonymous, was particularly upset. 

“A cold brew with three pumps of caramel swirl and whole milk is just my regular order. I didn’t even know it was called the Charli. Now I gotta do some goofy dance to get my coffee,” Pahptart said before doing a fairly low effort Renegade, which Marc D’Amelio was clearly unimpressed by but chose to let slide. 

A sophomore student also expressed concern, saying “Yeah I don’t really like the idea of it. I mean I’m just like sooo shy.” She then proceeded to do a flawless “WAP” dance for her drink in front of the entire morning rush crowd. 

It remains to be seen if this tactic will boost sales, but stay tuned to Stagnation for updates. Please contact us if there is anything else you’d like us to TikTok about (I know), or if you have any information regarding what the “avocado” in Dunkin’s avocado toast is made of. 

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