By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
REC-PLEX – Lucas The Stag, Fairfield University’s famous mascot was carted away by the Fairfield Public Health Department following an email concerning a possible new COVID-19 strain or new virus altogether. On Lucas’s Twitter, he tweeted that he was “spreading it all over campus,” and that “soon everyone [would] be positive.”
“He wasn’t carrying a virus!” proclaimed Fairfield Staff member Regina Maybelline. “It was supposed to be about spreading positivity!”
Lucas is currently being held in an undisclosed facility somewhere in Connecticut until it can be verified that he is in fact virus-free. Fairfield University staff continuously claimed that Lucas’s Twitter was hacked to edit the tweet’s contents. The Department of Health also claims that the email sent to them was littered with “gobble” written at different intervals.
Stagnation 