Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

By Nathan Schmidt The nightmare scenario has begun. In the wake of widespread quarantine and safety measures to protect against COVID-19, some of the turkeys on campus have taken it upon themselves to shelter in place until the crisis is over. Unfortunately, the building they have chosen for their quarantine is the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, which … Continue reading Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

Coronacation: Promised Land Turns Out to University Life; Spirits Demand Refund on Life

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium During campus quarantine, not much activity can be seen. However, the library has been the center of a majority of paranormal activity within university premises. From the Connecticut Supernatural Department, Private Ludwig Von Killinger gave this statement: "The library is haunted as hell. Like, Christ on a cross, there’s a ton … Continue reading Coronacation: Promised Land Turns Out to University Life; Spirits Demand Refund on Life

Inkwell Open Mic at Levee Derailed by Prep Student Attack

By Nathan Schmidt Last Friday, Fairfield’s creative writing magazine The Inkwell attempted to hold an open mic night at the Levee, only for it to be derailed by a swarm of Fairfield Prep students. The much-hyped event was expected to bring together students from The Inkwell and Performing for Change in a showcase of Fairfield’s … Continue reading Inkwell Open Mic at Levee Derailed by Prep Student Attack

That Guy is Still in the Library

By Nathan Schmidt Students returning to Fairfield University for the spring semester were shocked to find that the mysterious guy from the end of last semester is still in the library. The middle-aged man, who has not spoken to anyone else in the library and seems oblivious to the existence of all other human beings, … Continue reading That Guy is Still in the Library

New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals

By Villenueve With the onset of finals, the biannual stampede of students to the library is happening once again. While the library is all but empty for most of the semester until the middle of finals, there will be about 8 square inches of free surface area total on the library floor, due to the … Continue reading New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals

Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages

By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages