That Guy is Still in the Library

By Nathan Schmidt

Students returning to Fairfield University for the spring semester were shocked to find that the mysterious guy from the end of last semester is still in the library. The middle-aged man, who has not spoken to anyone else in the library and seems oblivious to the existence of all other human beings, has done nothing but browse through books and magazines for as long as he is observed.

Annabelle Farthing ‘22, came to Stagnation reporters in a daze after returning some campus library books she’d forgotten to turn in before leaving for the winter break.

“I’m super confused right now,” she told our staff while scrolling through social media posts on her phone. “Was he in there the entire winter break? God, I hope he didn’t get locked in. I mean, what would he have been eating this whole time?”

Later that day, Sean Gonzales ‘20 met with one reporter inside the library while the mysterious man was apparently sitting and doing nothing in the computer lab.

“I keep thinking someone should talk to him, but what if he’s actually crazy or something? I think we’re fucked. I don’t know how to cope with this in my life. The library’s not a safe space anymore. Why do adults think they can just use this place whenever they want?”

At press time, the man was finally spotted walking out of the library, much to the relief of all students present. He was then spotted coming right back with a plate of flatbread from the Stag snack bar, much to the same students’ complete and utter despair.

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