Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully


Thomas, class of 2021, woke up feeling groggy before his 9:30 a.m. class on Monday morning, but when he arrived at the Tully Dining Hall for a quick bite, his eyes lit up and he knew it was going to be a great day. Why? Because at the “do-it-yourself” station, there were eggs.

Yes, eggs, the ones in the shell.

Thomas told Stagnation reporters, “I can’t believe it! The University finally trusts other students and me to be able to crack our own eggs and potentially cook them to perfection. I feel like I might boil over in excitement.”

For the first time since the egg scandal of 1989, students will not need to eat the yellow liquid or the “egg-white” white liquid version of eggs.

Thomas successfully cracked the egg and felt pure satisfaction. It was about time he could crack his own egg because he just passed his Intermediate Accounting exam and finished his ten page paper on spelunkers. The rest of the operation went smoothly as Thomas fried his eggs, added cheese, peppers, and salt. To the dining hall’s surprise, Thomas did not have any pieces of shell in his eggs, wow! After finishing his eggs, Thomas felt recharged and prepared for the day.

“I sure hope there are still real eggs here tomorrow!” he said.

Throughout the day more and more students like Thomas entered the Tully with wide eyes when they saw eggs in their shells and left feeling energized. That is, until Brendan and Julia arrived at the “do-it-yourself” station around noon. The couple was having a difficult morning because Brendan decided to tease Julia for falling asleep early, so he covered her face in shaving cream. Julia was irate. When Julia saw the eggs, with the shells, she knew it was her opportunity for a protein heavy dose of revenge. She swooped in picked up two eggs and started hurling them at Brendan. She was sneering and making a big commotion. Soon, eggs were splattered all over Brendan and the floor.

The chefs and servers looked on in horror as they were wiping off the yolk from their aprons and picking pieces of egg shell out of their eyes.

One chef was reported saying, “I thought these students were mature and Jesuit-educated?!”

Before long there was a full blown food fight. Eggs, bacon, bagels, bananas, yogurt, and hamburgers were soaring through the air and landing everywhere–on books, shirts, faces, chairs, tables, and laptops. Students were screaming and running amuck.

Eventually there were no more eggs to throw, or for that matter, eat, so the food fight ran out of steam. Students left the Tully dripping in various colors of food and with visible swobs of ketchup smeared across their faces.

A few hours after the incident, all students received a text message from the University stating: “No more eggs with shells will be served at the Tully.”

The students had their fun and Julia got her revenge, but students like Thomas will no longer be able to enjoy eggs with shells. They must return to the yellow and white liquid.

“At least I had one good egg,” said Thomas.

Stagnation followed up with the Tully for comment.

One server said, “I cannot believe we entrusted the students for even one day with eggs with shells. We should have seen this was going to happen after the 1989 crisis when we served eggs and the Dean of students went blind after that food fight.”

Fortunately, no serious injuries occurred this time.

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