Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library 

By Rosemary Harper

26 students have been permanently expelled from Fairfield U after breathing in the library- causing excruciating  noise levels of 10db. Norah Noravnovski, head librarian and head of 0 db maintenance, was admitted to the hospital for ruptured eardrums after a sharp increase in noise from zero to 10 db levels that lasted a few seconds. 

The Dimenna-Nyselius library has adopted a strict no breathing policy since its establishment in 12AD. The noise caused by even the softest breaths will cause damage equal to a flood, and books to the point of needing replacement. The cost of that replacement has been covered by the expulsion of whichever weakling tries to keep themselves from suffocating. The lapse in library use during the pandemic has caused students to forget the no breathing policy, resulting in 26 students inhaling over 2 seconds. Along with the ear-shattering 10 db levels, 75% of library books were totally destroyed. 

Stagnation reporters have confirmed that Ms Noravnovski is now in stable condition and is expected to come back to work in one to two months. Stay updated for any potential lawsuits against the expelled students. 

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