Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
BELLARMINE – Sunday morning, authorities are on the lookout for several missing students following the Presidential Ball. Despite the enormous turnout for freshmen and higher, all attendees disappeared under unknown circumstances.
“It’s just the way these college kids roll,” DPS Officer Jim Jambo stated Saturday, “First, they get absolutely black-out drunk. Then, we get the phone calls for neighbors complaining about these half-dressed students who passed out in their backyard the next day. It’s absolutely hilarious to wake them up and get ‘em back on campus.”
Unfortunately for Jambo, no neighbors reported any students within their backyard, nor any signs of trespassing youth. Instead, the University is offering anyone with any leads a ticket to a Mackelmore concert in Missouri, despite the artist not scheduled in Missouri for the next six months.
“Oh, it’s fake alright,” FUSA member Hugh Hewlett ‘25 reported, “It’s just a ticket for a Wiggles reunion- hey, are you recording this?! Gimme that-!”
If any students are aware of the location of the estimated 2,000 students missing, please get off your bed and give DPS the holler.
I’m Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium, and I’m thankfully not missing.
Stagnation 