Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys

by Richard “Richie” Swett

Gamey taste and blandness has been reported in Chicken tenders in the campus cafeteria!

Fairfield University’s beloved campus turkeys have had a drop in sightings recently. DPS has told Stagnation reporters that they had taken note of this and started regular patrols targeting turkey theft. Fairfield U’s Tully cafeteria patrons have noticed a drop in quality of the “Chicken Tenders” around the same time as reports of missing turkeys came in. DPS has captured blurry images of a masked figure wearing black pants and a red shirt with a red hat snatching a turkey and quickly “dispatching” it. In a statement made today by DPS head Cpt. George Fredrick, he said “we have been trying to apprehend the criminals responsible for this turkeycide and bring them to justice”. We have also reached out for comment from The Tully head chef William Bradford and sous chef Massasoit. They have denied our request for comment. 

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