by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
BARONE – Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils.
“It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical Sandcrabs Club said, “You telling me that I could have used my money on Super Duper Weenie crack burgers?”
It wasn’t the only thing that the leak revealed as numerous photos involved one of its members involved in a ritualistic seance that changed their appearance every four years.
“Look, I’ll say this right now,” said the anonymous leaker, “That woman’s not who she says she is. Anything involving invoking the power of turkey death gods is an instant red flag. The only reason why I haven’t sent this info to the press is that the government’s just turkeys in disguise. Yeah, chew on that for a hot sec.”
Further information halted after Fairfield University officials seized control of the Mirror’s publication and scrubbed all traces of the leak from all sources. We at Stagnation humbly and respectfully agree with this sudden and non-suspicious action that will most likely off us if we say otherwise.
Stay safe, and praise G’bbler, Patron Trickster of Turkeykind!