University Announces “Ultra-Flexible” Course Model for Spring 2021

By Rosemary Harper

This fall, Fairfield U has had to adapt its curriculum to the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result, we’ve had confusing new terms thrown at us this year like “hybrid,” “online,” and “the mute button,” which are much more difficult to understand than things from the peachy, virus-free days. As it has become clear that this whole virus thing won’t be over by January 1st, Fairfield has announced a new “ultra-flexible” course model that will begin next semester and run indefinitely. 

The ultra-flexible course model is simple, students will buy (or rent) their assigned textbooks and learn the entire thing from cover to cover by heart over the course of the semester. At the end of the semester, students who are able to successfully recite the contents of textbooks will receive an A grade. Anyone who fails to do so will fail the course and be expelled from the University. 

“We’re really confident about this new course strategy,” said Dean D. Dean III, who is the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at Fairfield University in an interview with Stagnation. Mr. Dean refused to answer our question on whether this new course model was a strategy to tie students to their desks and counteract COVID-19. 

For more info and updates as they come out, be sure to follow Stagnation- along with all the English and Philosophy majors who’ve just bought all the prozac they could find on Amazon. 

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