By Nathan Schmidt
In the midst of the razor-thin margins of the 2020 presidential election, the Federal Election Commission has put into motion a new tie-breaking measure. Known as the “Seuss Test,” this measure consists of both candidates taking turns reading lines from Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s book Green Eggs and Ham, with the first to make a mistake losing the election.
“We wanted a tie-breaker that each candidate has a decent chance of winning,” explained FEC spokesperson Napoleon Scott. “Since Biden is an experienced statesman and former VP, and Trump has claimed he passed the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, we think they both have reasonable odds of getting at least a few pages in.”
In the highly unlikely event that both candidates make it through the entire book without making a single mistake, they would then proceed to the rest of Dr. Seuss’ works for runoff reading, starting with Horton Hatches the Egg.
Scott added, “We realize that ‘I meant what I said and I said what I meant’ is a politically explosive phrase in this election season, but we’re pretty sure that with climate change happening, all real elephants are going to go extinct soon. So let’s just blame it on them.”
The candidates have not been silent about the issue. Making an official press statement over Zoom from his bed while wearing a spotted jumper, Joe Biden stated, “The FEC’s choice to have us read Dr. Seuss for the tie-breaker is unfortunate, in that Seuss was unrepentantly racist and anti-semitic. Nevertheless, if you put a book in front of me, rest assured: I’ll read it. And I won’t make any gaffes. You can count on that.”
Meanwhile, Donald Trump has tweeted, “DR. SEUSS? Piece of cake. I read that in high school. Too bad it won’t happen, because I already won the election!”
The FEC expects that even if one candidate edges out the other, popular pressure may force the candidates to undertake the Seuss Test simply so that the more than 159 million voters in this election can see what they just voted for.
Stagnation 