Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading

By Marvin Irwin 

“Stop the count!” 

If you have said this phrase at some point during the past week or so, it is unlikely that you are able to read or pick up on satire. Since you are reading Stagnation, it is unlikely that this phrase is something you would have said. 

After Prisoner-Elect Donald Trump appeared to be losing his lead in the presidential election, he took to Twitter to declare that the votes that were being counted, largely mail in ballots, were illegal because they mostly weren’t for him. He urged election officials to stop the count, in an effort to maintain his leads in key states. 

“Stop the count!” has become a rallying cry across the nation, shouted by individuals who lack critical thinking skills or are confused as to why you can’t bring a gun into a school. Protesters have gathered outside of ballot counting facilities to heckle and threaten hard working public servants with the chant. 

Trump’s example has quickly made a large impression even here on Fairfield’s campus. On Monday, a large gathering of college students who should be capable of thinking for themselves gathered outside of University offices demanding that their professors stop the adding up of their grades, in an effort for professors to only count their grades from syllabus week towards their final grade. 

“I mean it’s kinda ridiculous, I was doing so well in this class, and now I’m not?” said Ryan Z. ’20. “It is completely unfair, and maybe even illegal, that my history professor wants to add the bad grades that I got to my final average. She should have stopped collecting grades after the first week’s attendance.”

The young man’s bulletproof logic can only be traced back to the actions of the current leader of the Free World. “It’s okay if the President does it” seems to be the prevailing mentality right now, and the consequences have been widespread. People claiming that it’s impossible they’re gaining weight because they stop counting calories at 10 AM. Fairfield University claiming to be the best college in Connecticut if you stop after “F” in the alphabetical list. Parents claiming that the youngest of their newborn triplets isn’t theirs because they stopped counting after 2. Me claiming I should win the Pulitzer Prize for this article if you stop after the first word of the title. 

Stay tuned to Stagnation to find out how the protests to throw out “illegal” grades conclude. And remember, you can get away with murder if you tell the court that they have to stop going over the events of your day once they reach the point where you picked up the knife. 

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