First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President

By Rosemary Harper

2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods ’24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example and declare himself FUSA president for the remainder of his time at Fairfield U. 

Despite current FUSA president Jeff Jefferson disputing this claim, Jarrods has managed to gather a band of first year supporters who gathered today in the BCC lower level and shouted “JARRODS! JARRODS! JARRODS!” as well as “SUCK IT JEFFERSON.” While this angry mob scared the FUSA officers shitless, they did not succeed in booting Jefferson from his seat as the 75th FUSA president. 

In an interview with Stagnation,  FUSA spokesperson Amber Smith said the following:

“We’re just going to let this blow over. We think this is just residual COVID crazies. If they come back again we’ve built a wall of free food to keep them distracted until they get bored.”

Stagnation has confirmed that the wall of free food is a few party packs of chips. Stay tuned for the latest developments. 

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