History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead

By Nathan Schmidt

Calamity beyond reckoning struck Fairfield University this week when the history department re-enacted the HBO hit series “Game of Thrones” using student volunteers. The event, which had originally been intended as a socially-distanced history lesson, quickly spiraled out of control with stabbings, poisonings and scheming across the entire campus. Already, ninety-nine have been killed off.

The re-enactment program, entitled “Stags vs. Lions: Game of Thrones Challenge: Fairfield Edition,” was originally conceived by history professor Dr. Neil Wheites. Despite it being planned as a historical exercise where students would roleplay as members of noble houses of Westeros, the program almost immediately turned into a bloodbath as students joined feudal armies and waged war on each other in battlefields like the quadrangle and Rafferty Stadium. Most of the carnage is attributable to the fact that students were given real spears, an oversight attributed to administrative budget cuts.

During an exclusive interview conducted with Stagnation reporters in a torchlit dungeon, a repentant Wheites said, “I just thought the last season of Game of Thrones could use a little work, so I thought, what if the White Walkers were a metaphor for Covid? And what if we used the show as an opportunity to teach students how medieval history is full of insane party tricks? It was all supposed to be over Zoom. I don’t even know how everyone found each other.”

Indeed, many students who have already been learning remotely off-campus have been dragged into the violence, from the desolate rocky shores of Long Island to the blazing southern deserts of Maryland. There is no escape from the violence and political intrigue this year. Wheites has called for the program to be ended early, but the students seem to be intent on wringing out at least a few more seasons of content.

In the meantime, the balance of power rests with the current winner of the program: sophomore student Benny Lesplay ‘23, first of his name, who reportedly has become the King of Fairfield University from this day until the end of time. Henceforth, King Lesplay will levy a 10 percent tax on everyone’s Tully orders until he has amassed funds for an army to take over Sacred Heart.

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