“Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium

EGAN CHAPEL – Dr. Ivan Ron Butterfly of the Student Health Center swatted away numerous members of the Vatican arriving in Fairfield University after Yohelma Hewahn ‘22 was reported to have the fetus of Jesus Christ reborn. The news of this revelation came after a conference with parents over the university’s policy of sexual matters among students.

“Sex? That’s ridiculous,” stated Health Center official Michelle Terner, “Our students are more than capable of keeping their distance. They should at least know the basics of protection.”

Unfortunately, Hewahn had been feeling sick with appointments dating back since the previous school year. This came with accounts of students being miraculously healed and hidden alcohol mysteriously turned to water.

“We figured she was bad luck, y’know?” roommate Lucianna Morning ‘21, “I mean, we kinda figured she was doing some snitch stuff.”

Despite the debates over the genealogy of the child, Terner steadfastly maintained that Hewahn was simply impregnated by the power of God. Of course, Hewahn’s parents have started hiring investigators to uncover the hidden truth. They won’t stop until they find out who “the god-damned Christ-carrier” is.

Until then, I’m gonna see if I can cash in on these miracles for myself.

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