Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

By Nathan Schmidt

This semester, turkeys have bucked the trend once again. As part of the precautions against COVID-19, all students, faculty and staff on campus have been required to forevermore wear at least one mask over their face. But while the humans of Fairfield may be consigned to hide their faces under the new ‘low-effort cry for help’ designs of patterned masks, one group remains defiantly maskless: the turkeys.

The Department of Public Safety is charged with maintaining the mask order, but no DPS personnel have been willing to approach the turkeys with appropriately sized masks. In fact, DPS officer Mickel McBongo has stated, “The turkeys are basically seven-foot-tall football hooligans condensed into the bodies of tiny modern-day feathered dinosaurs. Our ancestors ate them for Thanksgiving because they thirsted for blood and needed a new enemy. I will have no more part in this.”

McBongo proceeded to jump into his DPS van and tear his way out of campus, crashing straight through the closed gate by the PepsiCo Theater. Several turkeys were seen clinging to the vehicle, resolutely doing their best to violate McBongo’s six-foot social distancing. Any readers who know the missing officer’s whereabouts should keep it to themselves, lest the turkeys find out again.

Meanwhile, student reactions to the defiant turkeys have been mixed. Julius Hillock ‘20, a business major who was held back a year after trying to apply to graduate from Sacred Heart, discussed the matter with Stagnation reporters over Zoom during a breakout room session in his upper-level Spanglish class. Hillock stated, “The turkeys are insane. But kind of a cool insane. I bet they like to ride the stag. I’d cook some turkeys in beer sauce — I mean I’d have a beer with the turkeys. They’re not afraid of anyone. I bet their girlfriends are —” His last sentence was interrupted when the breakout room ended.

However, Whitney Sarissa ‘23, a philosophy major and the only other student Stagnation interviewed for this article, had a different opinion. “Turkeys don’t respect public health because they don’t respect themselves,” she stated while video chatting on her phone in bed wearing banana-themed pajamas. “I’d even say that us stags, as a point of principle, wear masks every day and every night, even in the shower. That’s self-actualization.”

The bottom line of the situation is that turkeys remain a potential risk for COVID-19 on campus. Students are advised to avoid turkeys at all costs unless they’ve been slaughtered, cooked, and served for Thanksgiving dinner with a dozen or more relatives.

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