By Mike Wishart
The Department of Public Safety is searching for clues as to who is responsible for the vandalism of an English professor’s car in the parking lot behind Donnarumma Hall. But while DPS continues its manhunt for the perpetrator, the victim of the crime is not so sure that the vandal deserves any punishment because of the form the graffiti took. Professor Van Inwagen has said that while she is deeply disappointed with the defacement of her car, she has trouble truly being mad because the vandalism perfectly follows MLA Format. The graffiti was written with a permanent oil marker as follows:
Professor Van Inwagen
23 October 2019
Vandalism of Your Car
Professor Van Inwagen, the fact that you were willing to take off an entire letter grade from my essay because of incorrect MLA format use is ridiculous. It is because of your irrational grading choices that I wanted to quote Cameron Frye from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and tell you, “Pardon my French, but you’re an a**hole”(Hughes).
Hughes, John, director. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Paramount Pictures, 1986.
We would like to apologize for the vulgar nature of the message, but we must admit how impressed we are with the format of the graffiti. The Department of Public Safety had hoped to narrow the list of suspects for the crime by seeing which students of Professor Van Inwagen’s had been docked points for improper citation, but their plan was derailed because she had taken away points from every one of her students for that reason.
While the search for the culprit continues, Professor Van Inwagen remains conflicted over whether the offender deserves a punishment, while DPS has made it very clear that they will punish whoever it was.
“Obviously the message isn’t something I would have liked to have seen, but I am really happy to see a student applying themselves outside of the classroom,” Van Inwagen went on to say.
If you have any information regarding the perpetrator of the vandalism or how to make a hanging indent on Google Docs, you are encouraged to contact DPS or Stagnation.