Finance Clubs Blow COSO Funding on Cocaine

By Alexis Shepard

It was a tough outing at the latest COSO Academy meeting. The budgets had been released and everyone was together to voice their frustration at the collective lack of money given out to clubs. Insults and threats were hurled and the worried staff of COSO tried to explain that FUSA had barely given them enough money to commute to school and organize these meetings and keep the lights on, let alone enough to satisfy all the demands for money from so many clubs. There were some particular people in the group of students who were strangely quiet.

It was a few days later when word broke out on what was really going on. Most of the clubs related to the business school, and primarily made up of business school students had been so the speak, sniffing up the remaining money given to COSO. The powers that be wanted to give an extra boost to the financial clubs on campus, and let them into what the business life is really about. This  came from the director of the business school, who is left unnamed because he is now on the run for impersonation as there is no director for the business school.

But it is because of crooked people and crooked institutions that lead to this kind of corporate culture promoted by the School of Business. I even think the new southern townhouses were built just to have extra space for the coke and less probability of being caught as they are closer to the new school of business and spread out the distribution. I’m guessing secret underground tunnels, but my toolbox and “workman’s uniform” have not come in the mail yet.

It’s been another rough run for Fairfield University and its crippling cocaine habit, and unless responsible, non-conspiratorial journalists are on top of it, this news could be blown away like said substance when the RAs knock on their door during the weekend. You can just flush it down the toilet like Henry Hill, no big deal.

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