By Nathan Schmidt
The hunt is on, as Fairfield University reels from an unknown mystery bandit who left a Tully plate in the trash. The plate was found in a meeting room within the Egan School of Nursing and Health Studies, still bearing the label of the Tully Dining Hall on its face. At this time, the perpetrator of this evil act is still unknown, but the university is ready to respond.
Rumors have spread that the insidious bandit, known informally as the Poacher, was last seen fleeing the nursing building on a black Harley-Davidson motorcycle while wearing a leather jacket and a bandana around their face. The Poacher, most likely so named because everything on campus is about stags somehow, may be responsible for any number of additional heinous crimes at Fairfield, including leaving whiteboard markers out after they’ve dried, and putting the large dumbbells at the top of the rack in the RecPlex.
“Someone is responsible, and we will root them out,” said DPS member Clive Bareth, while tacking up wanted dead-or-alive posters in the Barone Campus Center. “People like to forget that the Society of Jesus was made to fight the Protestant Reformation. We’ve got brass ones. You come at us, we’ll come back at you with five times the punch. We’ll throw out five of your plates, Poacher. Mark my words.”
A memorial service will be held for the fallen plate and all of its lost compatriots this Sunday, immediately after the weekly mountain of food waste is removed from the Tully.