Scientists Discover Cure to 95% of Illnesses on College Campuses: “Wash Your Fucking Hands”

By Pete Peterson

Wednesday- In a groundbreaking new study that experts have said may be more important than when the cure for polio was discovered, scientists have discovered a cure to over 95% of all illnesses on college campuses.  The cure is still somewhat in the developmental stage, but the United States Surgeon General Mack Zupperburg announced at a press conference on Tuesday that students should “Just wash your fucking hands.”  

The study ran for thirteen years, involving eight universities with over $80 million in funding.  The team heading the research, Dr. Alonzo Boon and his associates from Johns Hopkins University, spent day in and day out experimenting with all of the most common illnesses present on college campuses. Some examples include strep throat, influenza, syphilis, and the common cold.

When asked about what led to a break through in their research, Dr. Boon said they simply visited a small Jesuit University in Connecticut.  “We went to this school, which we actually cannot disclose the name of for legal reasons, but their mascot is a stag. Anyway, we visited this school to see what could be causing these viral illnesses to be spread so quickly and so commonly.  After examining the dining halls, classrooms, and dormitories, we saw one common theme: no one was washing their hands after going to the bathroom. Number uno and number dos. It was crazy how many students refused to complete such a simple task!”

We asked students here on Fairfield University’s campus what they thought of the news.  Johnnie Jarko, one freshman student who asked us to call him “J-Boy”, had some very strong thoughts about the discovery.  “Bro I don’t want to get political or anything, but I don’t have time to wash my hands or shit after I let it rip.” Mr. J-Boy’s reluctance to try the answer to a continuous problem is seemingly uniform with males on campuses across America.

The women we interviewed had other opinions. “Wait, you’re telling me that guys don’t wash their hands? I thought that smell the other night was just some weird new Axe spray,” replied Allison McDonough. McDonough’s misconceptions reveal that the viral problem may be harder to eradicate than previously thought.

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