FUSA Senate Authorizes the Purge

By Akaky Akakievich

I am writing again with some grave news, comrades. The FUSA Senate has issued a chilling statement that reminds me of home in all of the wrong ways. With a unanimous vote, the Senate agreed to enact an annual purge on all of the students at Fairfield University. On Thursday, October 31st, at 6 PM, the purge will be in effect for 24 hours. The school will be locked down. No one can leave. No one can enter. And there are no rules. In the cold, rainy forest of Fairfield, Connecticut, a horrible experiment will be conducted on all of the students, and their own government is calling for it.

Here are some quotes from some of the FUSA senators made after the decision after a quiet meeting one Wednesday this past fall. No one was paying attention, except for me. “Some of us have a pool going on who survives. There aren’t any rules on fair play, so I’m trying to lay some traps for people in high density areas like the quad and catch some people in silly string.” “I just wanted a good excuse to break shit. I hate looking at the stag statue’s balls every morning.” “The mailroom has had my package sitting there for two weeks and I’ll just break in and take it myself. No one is withholding my imported substances while I’m senator.” Truly frightening stuff. If this is the priority of the elected senators by Fairfield’s student body, than who knows what kind of corruption may be actually running the school.

Soon will be a dark day at Fairfield University, as bonfires will be started, garbage will be strewn everywhere, and there will surely be another syphilis outbreak within the 24 hour period. God help us all.

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