By Rosemary Harper
Today Fairfield @ Night declared that they will be launching a new clean eating initiative. As of today, they have announced that for the entirety of the fall semester they will only be serving ears of corn in buckets at all of their events. Which, coincidentally, happens to align with Sodexo’s recent unexpected budget cut announcement. While university students suspect that this new clean eating initiative is entirely based on the budget cuts, F@N denies this entirely despite the students being 100% correct.
As with all things F@N, the initiative first came from a student volunteer. In a rush to find anything to feed the masses during the numerous bingo and trivia nights throughout the fall semester, Peter Potts ‘21 suggested purchasing an industrial sized basket of corn from his great uncle John Potts- who owns a large and very profitable corn farm. Potts managed to secure a whopping 500kgs worth of fresh unshucked corn for an incredibly reasonable price of $5.99 with his elite “stalk” family connection status. With their new fall semester budget of $6.02 for food and snacks, this was all the organization could afford so they just kind of went for it.
Stagnation interviewed Potts and the other members of Fairfield @ Night about this decision — “Yeah, we’ve just got a bunch of corn now, so… we’re just going to try and theme everything around that until we run out.” During the interview, the question of how they planned on keeping all the corn fresh and in an edible state came up since students are not permitted to use the university’s industrial fridges and freezers housed within the Tully and the Stag. Their highly intelligent solution was to turn to Clara Oswald ‘23 — a freshman Chemistry major — who decided the best way to go about the issue is to just keep a normal ice cooler in a bigger metal box filled with liquid nitrogen. For more information on whether or not this explodes keep following the Stagnation website for updates.
In their latest Instagram post- titled “Korn KraZe!!”, F@N announced that the sudden and very much unwelcome initiative is to raise awareness about healthy eating and learning to appreciate food “from the beginning, not just what turns up on the plate.” No one is buying it. However they insist that this has absolutely nothing to do with budget cuts. Their first event will be a “movie night,” featuring every VeggieTales episode and film ever made to go with their “healthy eating theme,” Attendees will be supplied with a medium sized bucket filled with 10-15 stalks of corn, a trash bag and a 25 page illustrated instruction manual on how to shuck and eat it all.
Fairfield @ Night anticipates that this first event will be a huge success and keep students “popping” with enthusiasm until they have to find something else to feed the masses next semester.