By Nathan Schmidt
In a bitter turn of events, Fairfield lost one of its best and brightest students to witness protection after she asked her professor if there was homework. The disastrous moment took place in a morning class of Intro to Microeconomics, under the adjunct professor Dr. Mellie Kranolin. Everyone was packing up for the day, eager to move on to lunchtime, when freshman student Kathleen Linesteel ‘23 raised her hand.
“I didn’t mean for it to end up like this,” said a tearful Kathleen from her heavily guarded holding cell in the bowels of Donnarumma Hall. “I just wanted to know if we were moving forward in the textbook. We always have a homework assignment! I just thought I would ask!”
Sadly, there is now no recourse for Kathleen but to leave Fairfield University and assume a new identity somewhere else in the country. Her former classmates cannot be counted on to refrain from seeking vengeance, especially because the homework that day turned out to be a pile of worksheets the professor had forgotten to hand out.
When asked about the incident, Dr. Kranolin stated, “It could be worse. One time, a senior student asked that question in his spring semester. He lost his entire academic transcript when he went into hiding. I heard he ended up living in the mountains under the assumed identity of a goat.”
Following the interview, Stagnation reporters leaving Donnarumma were confronted by an angry mob of students demanding justice for their “stupid busywork,” and were forced to escape the crowd in the back of a DPS van.