Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door

By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University has finally solved its issues with student diversity for all time. This week, campus officials unveiled a new commemorative monument, in the form of a brass plaque on the door of an all-gender restroom on the ground floor of Donnarumma Hall. The plaque reads, “No one saves us but ourselves. … Continue reading Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door

Coronacation: Students Mourn Missed Classes in Donnarumma Hall

By Nathan Schmidt With all classes moved online for the spring, the pangs of nostalgia for campus life have already set in for many students. And nowhere on campus is a more painful point of longing than the beloved Donnarumma Hall, which in hindsight is the most precious and home-like building in the university. Students … Continue reading Coronacation: Students Mourn Missed Classes in Donnarumma Hall

Coronacation: Turkeys Rejoice As They Successfully Conquer Campus Without Opposition

By Rosemary Harper Alas, the day we have feared for so many months. Due to the statewide lockdown and subsequent school closure, the turkeys — those little shits that torment us on a daily basis — have taken over Fairfield University. And they did it with ease. Once the week after spring break began, they … Continue reading Coronacation: Turkeys Rejoice As They Successfully Conquer Campus Without Opposition

Fairfield Archives Department Reveals that the Circle Outside Donnarumma Hall Is not a Pool

By Willoughby Humphrey I was in the doldrums of the basement of the library and looking through the old archives of this fine, Jesuit institution, which I must say is hard to access in the compact stacks as it is difficult for me to twist and spin the handles to wind it open. I think … Continue reading Fairfield Archives Department Reveals that the Circle Outside Donnarumma Hall Is not a Pool

Tuition Now Includes Human Blood

By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced a new financial initiative entitled “Red Stag,” where students are required to pay a large volume of human blood to the school as part of their tuition. The initiative, inspired by mounting deficits of spiritual suffering at the university, will allow Fairfield students to understand the … Continue reading Tuition Now Includes Human Blood

English Professor Conflicted Over Graffiti That Follows MLA Format 

By Mike Wishart The Department of Public Safety is searching for clues as to who is responsible for the vandalism of an English professor’s car in the parking lot behind Donnarumma Hall. But while DPS continues its manhunt for the perpetrator, the victim of the crime is not so sure that the vandal deserves any … Continue reading English Professor Conflicted Over Graffiti That Follows MLA Format 

Student Who Asked If There Was Homework Will Enter Witness Protection

By Nathan Schmidt In a bitter turn of events, Fairfield lost one of its best and brightest students to witness protection after she asked her professor if there was homework. The disastrous moment took place in a morning class of Intro to Microeconomics, under the adjunct professor Dr. Mellie Kranolin. Everyone was packing up for … Continue reading Student Who Asked If There Was Homework Will Enter Witness Protection