By Nathan Schmidt
Fairfield University has finally solved its issues with student diversity for all time. This week, campus officials unveiled a new commemorative monument, in the form of a brass plaque on the door of an all-gender restroom on the ground floor of Donnarumma Hall. The plaque reads, “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. – Gautama Buddha.”
This new installation comes in the wake of the wild success of the Prophet Muhammad quote in the campus parking lot. Students already cited that quote as increasing their awareness of Islam, as it is the only reference to that religion in any public display on campus. Now with a plaque commemorating Buddhism, there are no holes left in the representation of religions on campus and every religion may be celebrated equally.
Campus spokesperson Julia Jarkansas (pronounced like the state) said in a public press statement, “We felt that this quote accurately embodies the spirit of going to the bathroom.”
Students, meanwhile, have been generally happy to accept that they have no issues with diversity. In fact, Stagnation was unable to reach any students for comment on the Siddhartha Gautama quote, mostly because none of them had seen it yet.
Jarkansas later added, “Buddhism is a great world religion, and it is Fairfield’s honor to begin embracing other — we’ve always embraced other religions. I’m Protestant. See? That’s diverse! Also, Jesus was Jewish, so, boom.”
With this monumental plaque, the book has been finally closed on issues of campus diversity in terms of race, religion and sex. Students are doubtless going to rejoice, as they are free to move on to things that matter to them in life.
Stagnation 