University Forced To Cancel Several Guest Lectures, Nobody Noticed

By Mike Wishart

For those of us who haven’t been living under a Dwayne Johnson, the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic has had wide ranging implications for our day to day lives. Not only are mundane activities like attending school or work being interrupted, big events we used to look forward to like concerts and sporting events are far from what they used to be as well. Unfortunately for the Quick Center, events that people weren’t even going to attend have also been forced to cancel or move to a virtual format. 

The University sent out an email delivering the crushing news that several events and speaking engagements that were going to be held on campus have been cancelled or moved to a different format. Below is the list of events included in the email:

  • An Evening with Tobias Garrison, author of the poorly received self-help book Yeah, Maybe You Are the Problem
    • Status: Cancelled
  • “A Life of Ups and Downs” The one-man show about the life of the man who invented the elevator, performed by Joey Fatone
    • Status: Remote via Zoom
  • Integrity in the Workplace Workshop with Jeffrey Skilling, former CEO of Enron 
    • Status: Cancelled, No Refunds
  • “The Famine Diet: From Ireland to North Korea, Using the Power of Famine for Weight Loss” Presentation by Alexandria Steele
    • Status: Cancelled, though ticket holders will still receive their diet starter kit (an empty tote bag)
  • “Booze Cruise: Learn How You Can Become the Next Tom Cruise Over Cocktails With the Church of Scientology” 
    • Status: Venue moved to the New Haven Church of Scientology, get free admission by providing your Social Security number and credit card information
  • “Shit Happens: How a Career in Sewage Gave Me a New Perspective” with Gary Wallace
    • Status: Moved to the Performing Arts Center at Brown University
  • “Stag-gered Progress: Wake Up Fairfield!” An evening with PETA, as they argue for the removal of all Stag-related imagery and phrasing from campus, arguing it objectifies our antlered-amigos.
    • Status: Cancelled, though all university dining services will refrain from serving any products made using animals or foods that animals eat on the date the event was scheduled. 

Stagnation reporters took to the campus to ask how these cancellations were impacting the morale of students. We were shocked to discover that every student we talked to had never heard of any of these events. We have determined that this is likely because they were announced in one of the 37 emails that students receive from the university on a daily basis. For more updates on things that you had never thought about before, check back in with Stagnation. 

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