Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door

By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University has finally solved its issues with student diversity for all time. This week, campus officials unveiled a new commemorative monument, in the form of a brass plaque on the door of an all-gender restroom on the ground floor of Donnarumma Hall. The plaque reads, “No one saves us but ourselves. … Continue reading Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door

“Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Removed After Landmark #MeToo Verdict

By Nathan Schmidt The time has come for students to rejoice! For more than a year, the Barone Campus Center has stood in the shadow of the ominous marble statue of Pope Francis, an icon of the Talking Statue project and a terror to students across the university. But this week, just one day after … Continue reading “Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Removed After Landmark #MeToo Verdict

500 Percent of Married Alumni Met at Fairfield University

By Nathan Schmidt Move aside, School of Business -- Fairfield’s greatest attraction is officially its Stagmates. This week, Fairfield proudly released its latest student alumni statistics, revealing that 500 percent of all married alumni first met at the university. Students who end up marrying one another, referred to by the powers that be as Stagmates, … Continue reading 500 Percent of Married Alumni Met at Fairfield University

On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot

By Nathan Schmidt This week, campus officials announced an ambitious new plan to boost school spirit at Fairfield University by requiring all students to put on costumes of Lucas the Stag for one full week. The costumes, distributed by the Office of Residence Life, are designed to make every student literally be the mascot of … Continue reading On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot

Woman Discovers Magical Bingo Chip, Makes Tully Food Great

By Michael Atkins Barone Campus Center - Theresa Junobug recently created reality to bend to her will after discovering a bingo chip. The chip was discovered in a tape of The Beach Boys, which Junobug thought she could redeem for some Inspire credit hours. She instead received the omnipresent powers of the Bingo God, who … Continue reading Woman Discovers Magical Bingo Chip, Makes Tully Food Great

“Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Accused of Debauchery

By Nathan Schmidt Scandal erupted in the Barone Campus Center this week when students made allegations of debauchery against the statue of Pope Francis underneath the Tully Dining Commons. The so-called “talking statue,” meant to stimulate spiritual dialogue, features a large hollow base that students can insert handwritten notes into to help share their ideas. … Continue reading “Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Accused of Debauchery

Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz

By Michael Atkins This week, a Chemistry major student suddenly lifted into the air and passed onto the next realm of existence. Michael Verde '21 was, according to witnesses, “absolutely losing his mind.” He had apparently started tearing his shirt off fabric by fabric as he howled in Irish gibberish. When he received a notification … Continue reading Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz