“Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Accused of Debauchery

By Nathan Schmidt

Scandal erupted in the Barone Campus Center this week when students made allegations of debauchery against the statue of Pope Francis underneath the Tully Dining Commons. The so-called “talking statue,” meant to stimulate spiritual dialogue, features a large hollow base that students can insert handwritten notes into to help share their ideas. Recently, most of the notes have been about the sheer depravity that Pope Francis’ sculpted likeness is clearly up to.

The claims of misdeeds by the statue are extensive. It has been accused of drunk and disorderly conduct, sexual harassment, religious heresy against the Church, and crime. The fact that the statue is an inanimate object only exacerbates the extreme nature of its wrongdoing. No behavior of this nature has been noted at Fairfield before, at least ever since the entire history department briefly transformed into stone statues last fall.

“I’m not shocked,” said Alexandra Gondo ‘19, a senior and therefore a seasoned veteran in the field of dark indulgence. “Seriously, have you seen that thing’s face? Look at it. I haven’t seen anything that sketchy since that one cartoon of Lucas the Stag for the Writing Center. Stuff like this is gonna make the Catholic Church look bad.”

It is unclear what repercussions may take place against the statue, especially since as a rendition of Pope Francis, it’s obviously meant to take a progressive stance on social issues. Campus Ministry originally planned to open its own investigation into the statue’s behavior, but this plan was scrapped when its leader, Rev. Arnold Nelson, was caught posting a selfie to Facebook of himself and the statue outside Mo’s Wine & Spirits.

The turn of events regarding the Pope Francis completely outdoes the previous record for crimes committed by a statue on campus, when the famous bronze stag outside Loyola and Canisius Halls was indicted for indecent exposure.

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