By Michael Atkins
Kazaam is a film directed by Paul Michael Glaser, who was actually the leader of a demonic cult known as “Aviv Sal Segav”. Unfortunately, his soul was then transferred into the film in order to preserve the purity of Glaser’s essence. Soon after its release, Glaser’s body became imbued with the soul of Jimi Hendrix, Kazaam became a film where Shaq actually grew 4 inches, and Francis Capra went to be on be a criminal mastermind. Of course, the film is actually a propaganda film devoted to promoting the Aviv Sal Segav cult. The average viewer may not see it, but with the right amount of knowledge on English literature and pop culture, the film’s subliminal messages are obvious.
Kazaam is a dark horror focused on subjects of misfortune and death, with its most terrifying aspect being the Devil himself. The film starts off with our protagonist, a young boy, running away from bullies. But in reality, he runs from the sins he creates. After believing he has outrun his past, it is at that moment when God punishes him by breaking the floor beneath him. He is no longer the innocent young boy he once was, embracing the coming of age that boys must endure.
When he finally awakens, he finds himself in an empty room underground, which could be seen as a basement, but is actually Hell itself. The emptiness and eerie Addams Family vibes make that clear to viewers if they pay attention. Looking among the eternal plane of torment, he finds a magical lamp which he instinctively rubs, desperately clinging onto his innocence. Instead he comes face to face with the Devil himself, Shaquille O’Neal.
Now if you don’t know, one of the common euphemisms for the Devil is Old Scratch in early English works. Shaq/Scratch — see the similarities? Now Glaser instead has to use Kazaam, making it hard for casual viewers to see the connection. So when our boy sees O’Neal, he goes “nope” and gets out of there in a hurry. But as we all know, you can’t outrun evil itself.
The film takes a wild trip through Kazaam, evil itself, stalking Boy before he finally accepts his fate. We get to see that by dealing with the Devil, you can get everything except get your parents to stop divorcing. Then again, this was an film of the 90’s, so the biggest crime was filing for divorce. But then, Kazaam remembers facing a boy named Johnny in the South in a fiddling contest. This makes him decide to get back into the music industry and become the biggest rapper (since country is boring at this point).
Overall, the movie throws song after song at you, attempting to manipulate the minds of children in a medium they’ll eat anything up with. I mean, you see the twerking craze everyone’s got? But simply, Kazaam is an evil film for those unprepared to get their souls infected with demonic 90’s pop. Thankfully, yours truly was swearing his anti-evil hip hop aluminum necklace complete with a couple of Pogs tied around it.
But seriously, don’t get yourself brainwashed or you’re a goner.