By Michael Atkins
Barone Campus Center – Theresa Junobug recently created reality to bend to her will after discovering a bingo chip. The chip was discovered in a tape of The Beach Boys, which Junobug thought she could redeem for some Inspire credit hours. She instead received the omnipresent powers of the Bingo God, who allowed her one wish. She chose to make her food appeasing.
“I didn’t what was going on, but the minute I bit into my pizza, it felt like I was at Domino’s,” said student Janice Grannyte ‘20. Unaware of the event, people on campus said they could feel calling for “O 18”, as many replied “Bingo”. Naturally, the Health Center decided that it was due to vaping, and that people shouldn’t have spread their “gamer heads”.
As visitor Barry McFamily complained, “I don’t even ‘vape’, or ‘shred’, or whatever kids call doing drugs nowadays.” He and his kids were eating an orange from the Tully they reported, “It tasted like an actual orange”. Many of the Tully’s staff complained of Junobug stealing their jobs, though one would ask why a freshmen who doesn’t even know the difference between ham and turkey ham be capable of taking their jobs.
“Possibly, it could be a sign of Christ, but we don’t know that for sure,” commented clergyman Joaquin Sheen. Sheen was reported to be an alien from the Moon, but such reports were from “exhilarated” hitchhikers. Still, one wonders what Junobug might do with the magical bingo chip.
Stagnation 