Whales Spotted in Fairfield

By Pete Peterson

On Sunday,  there was an alarming number of reports of whales spotted on campus. Caked in salmon pants, checkered button downs, and navy fleece vests, Fairfield’s class of 2023 arrived on campus for Accepted Students Day. The students, wearing exclusively Vineyard Vines and Sperry boat shoes, flocked throughout the quad in an orderly fashion behind the tour guides.

It was a spectacle no doubt. Seaworld came to Fairfield, and it was whiter than ever. Brads, Chads, and Jr’s flocked to the Dolan School of Business to ask about the average salary six months after graduation. When asked where they were from, there was a near unanimous response of “My family vacations in Nantucket”.

Vineyard Vines is known for its high-quality, high-priced clothes that are synonymous with the question “Do you even know who my dad is?” This was certainly true at Accepted Students Day as the previous quotes were flying through the air like in that scene from Finding Nemo with the seagulls. 

Brett Goyard ’22, an accounting major from Greenwich, Connecticut, was happy to share his thoughts on why Vineyard Vines is such a successful brand. “My dad makes more money than you” was the first part of his answer, which then ended with “Do you even have a house in the Hamptons?” Dressed in a Vineyard Vines t-shirt with a lacrosse stick on the back, Mr. Goyard began discussing why we have to “Keep America Great”.

There is no doubt Fairfield University has a fantastic incoming class, but there is still one lingering question: how will twenty five croakie-clad behemoths be seated in an Intro to Microeconomics class in DSB? Hopefully with chairs.

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